Sunday, May 29, 2011

Gettin' Real

I'm about to get real here, and I'm a little afraid how you guys might take this. I believe in being completely honest with the topics on this blog, and I'm not going to shirk now!

I'll bet you're wondering where I've been lately. Or if I've cut my hair (I haven't.) It's not for lack of topics (I have a whole list of them,) or lack of time.

Here goes: I have sometimes crippling anxiety. When I say crippling, I mean can't leave my house crippling.

I, for some unknown reason, suddenly began suffering to the point that my husband had to take leave to take care of me and the kids. I've been on medication for a while and have been stable for years. Something triggered this- I just don't know what.

As for symptoms, those have been pretty fun, let me tell you. As night, I can't sleep, so I pace the first floor of my house. I think I see worn marks on the floor from my path. The more I pace, the less sleep I get, and the worse the symptoms are. The doctor finally gave me something to just knock me out, so that's better.

I get this antsy feeling and suddenly the dust bunnies under the couch must be dealt with RIGHTTHISVERYMINUTE.  It's an awful feeling. It's almost like nesting when you're pregnant only a thousand times worse.

When talking to people, I'm terrified I'll say the wrong thing. I have a really hard time talking to new people. I often wonder if people think I'm a snob- I'm not; I'm just scared.

A therapist once told me that 20% of the American population has some form of social anxiety. I find it comforting to know that so many other people are feeling the same way I am.

I've been diagnosed with OCD (not the cleaning type) and PTSD (which stems from an incredibly traumatic experience that I may share with you one day. My OCD comes in the form of unwanted and obsessive thoughts. It's enough to keep me up at night. I don't have any rituals, it's just the thoughts running through my head.

It's definitely a weird feeling to be thinking something and suddenly realizing you're thinking of something that is disturbing or highly unusual for you. Don't worry, I'm not hurting myself or anyone else.

I am seeing a psychiatrist who is helping me find a new combination of medicate and a psychologist who is teaching me better ways to cope with the strain.

It feels weird to pour my heart out to strangers. I'm afraid of being judged or even worse, given medical advice like "My Aunt Ethel took vitamins and that cured her."

The good news is, I'm getting better. I miss you guys, I really do. I miss taking photos of my hair to share. I miss reading your comments, which are almost always supportive. I do hope that you guys can still accept me as I am- flaws and all.

And most of all, if you suffer from anxiety- you are not alone. If you're in a place with 100 people, 20 people there are feeling the same thing you are.


  1. Hugs to you Jessica. We miss you. I hope you get a handle on this soon.

  2. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share your struggles with us.

    I have a friend with social anxiety that is quite debilitating to him, I've seen how difficult it can be.

    Please remember that we care about you.

  3. Hugs and force, J.

    I think it's really great that you're speaking up about what you're going through. I'm glad you know that you're not alone in having anxiety, and you are speaking up about it and helping others know they're not alone either.

  4. You're in my prayers. I know this is a life challenge but you'll succeed. Getting help is a big part of it and you're there already. God bless.

  5. Hugs Jessica!
    Hope this passes and you can look only to the future, and may it be happy.
    I have followed your blog for several months and enjoyed it very much. Although we do not know one another, I feel like I do since we have such a similar interest in long hair.
    Hang in there!

    Thinking of you :o)

  6. JJJ! Thank you so much for your support. I added a link to your site- I hope you don't mind. You're my hairsperation!

  7. I´ve only recently discovered your blog (even though I´ve been following your youtube channel for ages) and since you have given me so many helpful tips and even some motivation to start my own long-hair-project again (and countless wows when I look at photos of your buns) I just felt I should express my support here.

    There are a lot of people following you, being happy with you and worrying about you when you are feeling bad and generally enjoying what you do for us. I wish you all the best and I hope that you´ll come to terms with whatever is plaguing you very soon.