Sunday, May 29, 2011

Gettin' Real

I'm about to get real here, and I'm a little afraid how you guys might take this. I believe in being completely honest with the topics on this blog, and I'm not going to shirk now!

I'll bet you're wondering where I've been lately. Or if I've cut my hair (I haven't.) It's not for lack of topics (I have a whole list of them,) or lack of time.

Here goes: I have sometimes crippling anxiety. When I say crippling, I mean can't leave my house crippling.

I, for some unknown reason, suddenly began suffering to the point that my husband had to take leave to take care of me and the kids. I've been on medication for a while and have been stable for years. Something triggered this- I just don't know what.

As for symptoms, those have been pretty fun, let me tell you. As night, I can't sleep, so I pace the first floor of my house. I think I see worn marks on the floor from my path. The more I pace, the less sleep I get, and the worse the symptoms are. The doctor finally gave me something to just knock me out, so that's better.

I get this antsy feeling and suddenly the dust bunnies under the couch must be dealt with RIGHTTHISVERYMINUTE.  It's an awful feeling. It's almost like nesting when you're pregnant only a thousand times worse.

When talking to people, I'm terrified I'll say the wrong thing. I have a really hard time talking to new people. I often wonder if people think I'm a snob- I'm not; I'm just scared.

A therapist once told me that 20% of the American population has some form of social anxiety. I find it comforting to know that so many other people are feeling the same way I am.

I've been diagnosed with OCD (not the cleaning type) and PTSD (which stems from an incredibly traumatic experience that I may share with you one day. My OCD comes in the form of unwanted and obsessive thoughts. It's enough to keep me up at night. I don't have any rituals, it's just the thoughts running through my head.

It's definitely a weird feeling to be thinking something and suddenly realizing you're thinking of something that is disturbing or highly unusual for you. Don't worry, I'm not hurting myself or anyone else.

I am seeing a psychiatrist who is helping me find a new combination of medicate and a psychologist who is teaching me better ways to cope with the strain.

It feels weird to pour my heart out to strangers. I'm afraid of being judged or even worse, given medical advice like "My Aunt Ethel took vitamins and that cured her."

The good news is, I'm getting better. I miss you guys, I really do. I miss taking photos of my hair to share. I miss reading your comments, which are almost always supportive. I do hope that you guys can still accept me as I am- flaws and all.

And most of all, if you suffer from anxiety- you are not alone. If you're in a place with 100 people, 20 people there are feeling the same thing you are.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Meet Zelda

On Wednesday night, a neighbor brought over a sweet older puppy. The puppy had been tied up in
front of the firehouse he works at. We brought the pup over to visit with out poodle mix, Daisy. They seemed to get along well.

Animal Control came and took possession of the dog and gave us a receipt so that we could put in our adoption papers the following day.

The following morning, we brought our receipt and were dismayed to find that the dog had already been adopted out. We decided to take a look at some of the other animals there, since Animal Control euthanizes. We figured that we might find a dog that we loved and save it from being put to sleep.

We came across "Mopsy," a Lhasa Apso and asked to visit her. We sat in that room for a while, petting her and playing. We had Winnie along with us and "Mopsy" just loved her. We let the vet tech take her back to her crate. We stood there for about 15 minutes discussing whether "Mopsy" would fit into our family.

"Mopsy" put her paws through the cage, reaching out to us and it was over- we were getting the dog. We immediately renamed the dog Zelda, after the video game (although we pretend it's after Zelda Fitzgerald so we don't seem quite so geeky.)

Poor Zelda had had pups ten weeks before, so her breasts were still swollen. She'd been given to animal control because the owner had abandoned the dog with her sister. Her sister didn't want the dog, so she relinquished custody. We brought Zelda home that night and brought her back the next morning to get spayed.

I feel so lucky to have gotten Zelda. She is so mellow and sweet. She's a little older (9), but Lhasas have lived into their twenties! I can't believe someone relinquished such a sweet little girl.

Our dog, Daisy, is still getting used to the idea of another dog in the house, but there haven't been any fights or anything.  The kids adore Zelda and Zelda adores the kids. I'm so glad Zelda came into our lives.